Pink and Blue Thoughts
"Oh. My. GAWD! Did ya'll see those tacky ass shoes she was wearing?" Gina's voice is tinged with laughter as she plops down beside me on the ratty couch in Java Jungle, nodding her head toward the slightly skankerific girl standing at the counter. I laugh; rolling my eyes and giving her a light kick in her rounded hip, pushing her closer to the opposite end of the couch as I lay sprawled under the florescent light of the coffee house. This has become our daily ritual, gathering together over steaming and/or frozen caffeine (Life Juice, as I like to call it). We are supposed to be studying, but really we just get together to gossip and try to stay connected. Leigh and Emma are missing-in-action today and Alicia is only popping by before heading to her dad's for the weekend. Anymore it seems like Gina and I are the only ones who really have time for one another. Madison is here, sitting no more than four feet away, but on the phone with her boyfriend, arguing, per usual. I love the girl but, seriously, who wants the hassle of dating someone who has major trust issues and screams at you for hours at a time when you upset him? I suppose I'm not the best person to ask. The last guy I dated turned into a creepy stalker then married some forty-year old. Gina is, of course, more sympathetic to Madi's situation as she's been married for twelve years. Sometimes I wonder though, just how happy their marriage is. For the first ten years Hubby was constantly out to sea, and now that he’s a Naval recruiter…Gina hates spending time with him.
Personally I don't see why anyone would want to get married. The most significant relationships in my life have all been with women, starting with my grandmother and ending with my best friends. In my twenty-one years of life I've found that girlfriends are more reliable than men. I suppose that's why this term has been so hard for me. I know that in a matter of weeks I will pack my best friend up and watch her drive off to University, leaving behind her life here. The hardest part… is knowing it will be another three months before I see her again. I can't seem to adjust to the thought of college without Gina; she is the most constant thing in my life. My mother may be crazy and incapable of being there for me; my grandmother, the only really real mother I’ve ever had, may be dying; but Gina is always there to remind me that as long we own pink shoes we'll be all right. A world without Gina is as scary as a world without pink!
I'm having this thought, this reoccurring thought, for the millionth time today as Gina decides to repay me for my earlier kick in the butt and I nearly tumble off the couch and almost spill my coffee. This, of course, means war as causing someone to spill her Life Juice (with an extra shot of caramel I might add) is a blasphemous crime against humanity, especially when it's only nine in the morning. Alicia and Madi are laughing as I right myself giving them a "death-ray" glare and whacking Gina with last month's copy of People. She yelps of course, and I stick my tongue out at her proclaiming loudly "You are so lucky I didn't fall, or it would have been the new issue Vanity Fair."
Everyone laughs, even Gina, as I curl back into my "anti-morning" ball of grumpiness on the end of the couch, and slurp on my latte. Alicia is leaning against Madi in one of the massive leather chairs, even though Mads is still bellowing into her phone about what an asshole Nathan [the boyfriend] is currently being. As she finally hangs up 'Licia gives her the mandatory hug, resting her chin on top of Madison's freshly dyed hair.
Giving a small whimper Madison slips her slender arms around Alicia’s waist, her voice soft and very nearly wounded, "He's bitching because my hair is too dark; he said it made me look like a Goth poser."
Of course we allow her to grouse as that's what best friends do, but Gina and I share knowing looks for a moment before I uncurl myself from my grump lump and patter over to join Alicia on the other side of the dejected sounding girl, petting her hair and offering reassurance, "Well I don't know why you'd take fashion advice from someone who lives in basketball shorts and has a bald head."
I try to be blunt as often as possible now. Gina has taught me well. Before I met her I was a bit of a simpering people pleaser. I didn’t know how to take a stand for anything I believed in. I was so scared of upsetting people or letting them down I allowed myself to always be put last. With the exception of these three girls, I always come first now… but I don’t know how long that confidence will last without the comforting validation of being needed…
Just then Alicia and Gina laugh, they appreciate my snarky sense of humor, but Madi looks up at me with teary eyes. We both know her problems with Nate are about more than just her hair. He doesn't like her to have control of her own life anymore. Everything she does, everything she says, everything she wants, has to be cleared through him. We went to get food last night around one (so, ok, maybe it was morning) and when we got back twenty minutes later she had four new messages on her machine from him, accusing her of God knows what (I stopped listening when I heard the first barking strains of his voice).
This is, of course, the precise reason I never want to get married or be in a serious committed relationship. I like being able to go where I want, when I want, with who I want, and dress however the hell I want while I'm at it. I didn't move away from my mother to end up with another keeper. After everything with my last boyfriend, all the lies and the cheating, and just ugliness he seemed to emit from every pore of his body… I don’t have it in me anymore.
Of course saying things like that, at a time like this, is completely irrelevant, and only worsens the situation. So for now I keep my mouth shut as I drift the four or five feet back to my former seat on the couch. Madi is appeased for the moment, and I'm allowed to fall back into my personal funk. I've been like this the last three weeks, I don't know why. I love college, I love everything about being out on my own and finding a path in this crazy mixed up thing called "life". I went all summer not thinking about fall, avoiding the knowledge of what winter would bring. Then, poof it's the middle of September, and I'm moving back into the dorms.
It was harder this time. I kept thinking about last year and all of our memories and how close we were. Now that Alicia has moved into her own place, it feels like a part of the group is missing. Which brings to mind the fact Gina will be gone soon too, but unlike Alicia I won’t be able to pop over to her apartment at three A.M. because I need a JaMocha. Then of course, on top of my own issues, there is the drama of Leigh and her boyfriend Alex. I don't know what that she sees in him honestly. I'll grant you he's a hell of a lot cuter than Nate, but the boy is T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
We all met him last year; he lived upstairs and spent a lot of time with "the boys", (the counter part to our female dorm hall clique). I thought we all learned pretty quickly he's the sort of guy that likes to have a girl in every port. I know Leigh knew this; they had long conversations about it. Hell, she was one of his ports before they got together! I don't know what makes women think men will change.
Even though I'm lost in this sea of thought, I'm still with it enough to know the Java J. feels quiet, different, today. Today there are no jostling morons rushing for the counter, no hippy poets writing in the corner, no angry businessmen in a rush to get out the door. Today, for the first time since last June, there exists only the four of us, living together separately though we're pretending that everything is how it used to be. Today there is only the rain, a cooling double mocha caramel latte in my hand, and a sense of utter bewildered grief as I watch the life I'd started to build slip away.
Gina has finally opened her Bio book; Madison and Alicia quietly flip through the latest Alloy catalog. We say nothing; we're accustomed to the silence now. There is no rush to fill the air with nervous chatter, but it hasn't always been this way. When we first meshed the two parts of my universe together, my dorm life and my culture vulture world, we all felt obligated to talk, incessantly, about nothing. Now though we are safe enough, comfortable enough, to be together and silent. I suppose that's what I love best about us. There is no falseness anymore, to this world that I've been living in. There are no lies, or mind fucks, or feelings of being unworthy. There is no need to be anything but what we are, because we are enough. Sure we gossip, what group of gal pals doesn’t? And yes, we do talk endlessly about our love for Manolos and Neiman Marcus, but there is so much more there.
More than anything, I know it is this comfort I will miss when Gina is gone. I know she will visit on weekends, and come home for Spring Break. I know that we'll take road trips and crash on her couch. I know the second something happens with Gram or Mom; she’ll be there. I know that even though we won't be "together" nothing can really separate us. I know this; but I don't yet believe it. The thought of Java J. without her breaks my heart. The idea of sitting through Shakespeare without her to share my eye-rolls and soft snickers leaves me feeling hollow and dull.
It is this thought, in this moment, that drives me to shift positions on the couch, resting my back against her soft arm, and grudgingly open my own Biology book. I'm finding more and more I need to physically remind myself that she is still here. This desire for contact is based in some deep-seated fear that every person I love will some how leave me, long before I’m ready to say goodbye. Gina says nothing, simply resting her blonde head against the back of my much darker red one, and though I can't see her face, I know she's smiling her special “Gina” smile.
I close my eyes, and I see us through a stranger’s perception. To the world at large we are nothing more than a group of college students, lounging around our local hot spot. To the world at large, we appear to be nothing special. The world at large doesn't have a clue. I know though. I know that while nothing lasts forever, there won't be a time in my life that I am more at ease in my own skin than I am when I am with these three women. I know that even though our lives are tragically typical, there is a current that flows through us, connecting us to something so much bigger than we are alone
Personally I don't see why anyone would want to get married. The most significant relationships in my life have all been with women, starting with my grandmother and ending with my best friends. In my twenty-one years of life I've found that girlfriends are more reliable than men. I suppose that's why this term has been so hard for me. I know that in a matter of weeks I will pack my best friend up and watch her drive off to University, leaving behind her life here. The hardest part… is knowing it will be another three months before I see her again. I can't seem to adjust to the thought of college without Gina; she is the most constant thing in my life. My mother may be crazy and incapable of being there for me; my grandmother, the only really real mother I’ve ever had, may be dying; but Gina is always there to remind me that as long we own pink shoes we'll be all right. A world without Gina is as scary as a world without pink!
I'm having this thought, this reoccurring thought, for the millionth time today as Gina decides to repay me for my earlier kick in the butt and I nearly tumble off the couch and almost spill my coffee. This, of course, means war as causing someone to spill her Life Juice (with an extra shot of caramel I might add) is a blasphemous crime against humanity, especially when it's only nine in the morning. Alicia and Madi are laughing as I right myself giving them a "death-ray" glare and whacking Gina with last month's copy of People. She yelps of course, and I stick my tongue out at her proclaiming loudly "You are so lucky I didn't fall, or it would have been the new issue Vanity Fair."
Everyone laughs, even Gina, as I curl back into my "anti-morning" ball of grumpiness on the end of the couch, and slurp on my latte. Alicia is leaning against Madi in one of the massive leather chairs, even though Mads is still bellowing into her phone about what an asshole Nathan [the boyfriend] is currently being. As she finally hangs up 'Licia gives her the mandatory hug, resting her chin on top of Madison's freshly dyed hair.
Giving a small whimper Madison slips her slender arms around Alicia’s waist, her voice soft and very nearly wounded, "He's bitching because my hair is too dark; he said it made me look like a Goth poser."
Of course we allow her to grouse as that's what best friends do, but Gina and I share knowing looks for a moment before I uncurl myself from my grump lump and patter over to join Alicia on the other side of the dejected sounding girl, petting her hair and offering reassurance, "Well I don't know why you'd take fashion advice from someone who lives in basketball shorts and has a bald head."
I try to be blunt as often as possible now. Gina has taught me well. Before I met her I was a bit of a simpering people pleaser. I didn’t know how to take a stand for anything I believed in. I was so scared of upsetting people or letting them down I allowed myself to always be put last. With the exception of these three girls, I always come first now… but I don’t know how long that confidence will last without the comforting validation of being needed…
Just then Alicia and Gina laugh, they appreciate my snarky sense of humor, but Madi looks up at me with teary eyes. We both know her problems with Nate are about more than just her hair. He doesn't like her to have control of her own life anymore. Everything she does, everything she says, everything she wants, has to be cleared through him. We went to get food last night around one (so, ok, maybe it was morning) and when we got back twenty minutes later she had four new messages on her machine from him, accusing her of God knows what (I stopped listening when I heard the first barking strains of his voice).
This is, of course, the precise reason I never want to get married or be in a serious committed relationship. I like being able to go where I want, when I want, with who I want, and dress however the hell I want while I'm at it. I didn't move away from my mother to end up with another keeper. After everything with my last boyfriend, all the lies and the cheating, and just ugliness he seemed to emit from every pore of his body… I don’t have it in me anymore.
Of course saying things like that, at a time like this, is completely irrelevant, and only worsens the situation. So for now I keep my mouth shut as I drift the four or five feet back to my former seat on the couch. Madi is appeased for the moment, and I'm allowed to fall back into my personal funk. I've been like this the last three weeks, I don't know why. I love college, I love everything about being out on my own and finding a path in this crazy mixed up thing called "life". I went all summer not thinking about fall, avoiding the knowledge of what winter would bring. Then, poof it's the middle of September, and I'm moving back into the dorms.
It was harder this time. I kept thinking about last year and all of our memories and how close we were. Now that Alicia has moved into her own place, it feels like a part of the group is missing. Which brings to mind the fact Gina will be gone soon too, but unlike Alicia I won’t be able to pop over to her apartment at three A.M. because I need a JaMocha. Then of course, on top of my own issues, there is the drama of Leigh and her boyfriend Alex. I don't know what that she sees in him honestly. I'll grant you he's a hell of a lot cuter than Nate, but the boy is T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
We all met him last year; he lived upstairs and spent a lot of time with "the boys", (the counter part to our female dorm hall clique). I thought we all learned pretty quickly he's the sort of guy that likes to have a girl in every port. I know Leigh knew this; they had long conversations about it. Hell, she was one of his ports before they got together! I don't know what makes women think men will change.
Even though I'm lost in this sea of thought, I'm still with it enough to know the Java J. feels quiet, different, today. Today there are no jostling morons rushing for the counter, no hippy poets writing in the corner, no angry businessmen in a rush to get out the door. Today, for the first time since last June, there exists only the four of us, living together separately though we're pretending that everything is how it used to be. Today there is only the rain, a cooling double mocha caramel latte in my hand, and a sense of utter bewildered grief as I watch the life I'd started to build slip away.
Gina has finally opened her Bio book; Madison and Alicia quietly flip through the latest Alloy catalog. We say nothing; we're accustomed to the silence now. There is no rush to fill the air with nervous chatter, but it hasn't always been this way. When we first meshed the two parts of my universe together, my dorm life and my culture vulture world, we all felt obligated to talk, incessantly, about nothing. Now though we are safe enough, comfortable enough, to be together and silent. I suppose that's what I love best about us. There is no falseness anymore, to this world that I've been living in. There are no lies, or mind fucks, or feelings of being unworthy. There is no need to be anything but what we are, because we are enough. Sure we gossip, what group of gal pals doesn’t? And yes, we do talk endlessly about our love for Manolos and Neiman Marcus, but there is so much more there.
More than anything, I know it is this comfort I will miss when Gina is gone. I know she will visit on weekends, and come home for Spring Break. I know that we'll take road trips and crash on her couch. I know the second something happens with Gram or Mom; she’ll be there. I know that even though we won't be "together" nothing can really separate us. I know this; but I don't yet believe it. The thought of Java J. without her breaks my heart. The idea of sitting through Shakespeare without her to share my eye-rolls and soft snickers leaves me feeling hollow and dull.
It is this thought, in this moment, that drives me to shift positions on the couch, resting my back against her soft arm, and grudgingly open my own Biology book. I'm finding more and more I need to physically remind myself that she is still here. This desire for contact is based in some deep-seated fear that every person I love will some how leave me, long before I’m ready to say goodbye. Gina says nothing, simply resting her blonde head against the back of my much darker red one, and though I can't see her face, I know she's smiling her special “Gina” smile.
I close my eyes, and I see us through a stranger’s perception. To the world at large we are nothing more than a group of college students, lounging around our local hot spot. To the world at large, we appear to be nothing special. The world at large doesn't have a clue. I know though. I know that while nothing lasts forever, there won't be a time in my life that I am more at ease in my own skin than I am when I am with these three women. I know that even though our lives are tragically typical, there is a current that flows through us, connecting us to something so much bigger than we are alone
posted by xoxo SJ | 8:57 PM
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